Riding the jeepney one rainy afternoon, I saw an old friend. He was seated right in front of me, being himself he didn’t recognize me. It’s been awhile since I saw this guy. Except for the glasses and beard, he still looked the same. I think he slimmed down a bit, the last time I can recall he was not as thin. “There’s a storm coming”, the weatherman said, “it’s headed your way, so better brace yourselves”.
A rugged road seemed to look smooth up ahead was actually too much water and it is still rising fast. I hate to wade on flooded streets though I've been there a lot, want to step on dry solid ground where it is safe.
Now this guy in front of me, I noticed something different. I felt sadness and grief as I was studying his face. He was lost in thought, he seemed so alone. At first glance he seemed so fine and he used to be good in concealing whatever that bothers him. He still looked cool you know, but I can tell that there is struggle within him. I want to ask why but I decided to let him be. The one thing that I envy are his eyes. Those eyes could talk you see, that’s his vulnerability. Those eyes betrayed him. Even his glasses could not hide the hurt and pain. Hurt and pain (among other things) are what those eyes would silently scream.
Six years ago was the first time I saw this look. It was all about love and promises, a thing we all can relate with. He tried to keep it to himself but to a good friend that has now left this world. They were buddies since childhood and he was indeed a great loss. What I would later learn was that he was really devastated. I was worried he might get lost along the way. “Groping and searching in darkness” is how he described it. He never told me what it was and I never asked. I merely shook my head and did my best to sympathize. The pain was terrible it made his nose bleed, not from physical harm but from deep inside because something needs to be released. Surprisingly he bounced back. He would later explain about the dangers of the “first time”. To be confronted by unfamiliar situations that would lead to unfamiliar emotions, where the only choice is between love and hate. Your choice would reveal the kind of person you are. The danger is letting yourself be swallowed by fury and pride. The point is to be honest and true to yourself and the rest. The answer was just within him it seems. It was a slow process though, never expect overnight results. Even those top doctors in their immaculate whites can’t, unless maybe you’re JESUS, who will even raise you up from the dead.
I was never expecting to see him look like this again, yet there he was right in front of me on that rainy Tuesday afternoon, wearing that face again. Obviously sad I would say, trying to conceal it in the rain. “At least the weather’s cooperating”, I tried to say. He stared and smiled. “Where are you headed?” he asked. He wasn’t sure it was me seated in front of him he said, and “I don’t talk to strangers you know” and grinned mischievously. I told him I was on my way home. “Where are you headed? Do you need directions? you might get lost in the flood”, I repeated. By then it was raining very hard. “A storm is approaching”, I remembered what the weatherman said.
I can’t recall how he convinced me, or it’s probably me, but there I was waiting for my beer as he was sorting the balls. All the solids and that yellow striped one. “Race to five and it’s your break”, we can stay here until the storm passes.” He played well, I did fine. I won twice because he scratched the nine. It was fun doing what we used to do, I felt good not from the beer or the weed but from that feeling of nostalgia. I can’t explain it and probably he felt it too. He talked less during the first two games and he would later say, “It is sometimes good to have a moment of silence in places like these”, it sounded funny for a while considering we were in a billiard hall full of people doing their stuff just to pass the time and the storm. I thought it was a joke. It took me a moment to realize he was opening up. This friend of mine talks in riddles, he doesn’t like direct talk. “Why go straight when you have other options, always remember straight is just another option”, he philosophized. His words sounded bitter, sarcastic and at times arrogant. That was how he was six years ago. I learned he’s got a wife and a son whom he loves a lot. It is a great experience being a father, a continuing experience; “the ultimate test to man’s soul” was how he described being a family man. A learning process wherein it will really test your own personality and your capabilities in love and sometime bitterness and hate. It is where you come face to face with your strengths and weaknesses, and most especially your fears. You just have to sometimes just let things be for it won’t do any good if one tries to figure everything out. That’s what makes this world an exciting place to live; he called it “the uncertainties”. I wanted to hear some more, so I remained silent. I can sense he was struggling for words he decided to take a shot.
“Perfect”, as he sank the eight, the cue ball bounced from one corner to another, only to stop at the other end. “Tough shot”, I said, but I know he can do it, sometimes we tend to limit ourselves too much, I think that it is healthy from time to time to go beyond. A black umbrella caught his attention, a girl with a black bag trying to cross the street. He stared at it flatly and laughed. “I think I need to see an eye specialist, something’s wrong with my vision”. I’m pretty sure it was a black one though, and the bag is black too. Everything else is hazy. I told him he should see one, or maybe it’s just the beer. It’s just our third and I’m a bit tipsy.
Have you ever been convinced by what you feel and not what you see? It can be a strange feeling. We experience it every day but often ignore. You just notice it when it hits you hard. BOOM!
I was able to meet that old friend after ten years; he still looks cool, minus the glasses and the beard. He seems to be at peace now although it’s quite normal to look worrisome once in a while. That’s how it is, he told me. It’s just a matter of adapting, adjusting and accepting…
P.S.
Discovered this "piece" printed on a letter sized tracing paper while looking for some old stuff to bring to Boracay last year. Ahhh...
This was written almost 15 years ago during my transition from my being "turbulent" to being "calm". Lot's of questions during those times, confused and bitter as well. Been there,done that...
